In a society where weddings are grand, hashtags are trending, and couple goals are posted with soft music playing in the background, there’s a quiet crisis brewing in many Nigerian homes: couples who are married, but emotionally and intimately living like roommates.
They share a roof, bills, and maybe even children – but not dreams, conversations, or connection. It’s the silent epidemic no one tweets about. Because in Nigeria, once you’ve said “I do,” you’re expected to just figure it out, even when the spark is long gone.
Let’s talk about it
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The Picture Perfect Marriage That Barely Exists
Unfortunately, many couples have reached this unfortunate juncture, although it can be so hard to notice from the outside. After all, they still wear their matching outfits to church, pose together at weddings, and even send out joint gifts to their friends. But indoors, the communication continues to dwindle.
Affection is at an all-time low, and no emotional attachments. Just a polite partnership because both parties can’t leave. They’ve become roommates, and no longer the soulmates they used to be.
But Why’s This Happening?
1. Cultural Pressure to Marry Fast
Society places more value on getting married than staying connected. Many people tie the knot because “it’s time,” not because they’ve built true emotional compatibility. By the time the honeymoon fades, they realise they’re sharing a life with someone they barely know how to talk to.
2. Emotional Illiteracy
Nigerians are raised to be strong, not soft. From a young age, men are told not to show emotions, and women are told to “endure.” The result? Adults who can’t have vulnerable conversations. So when problems arise in the marriage, they shut down and drift apart quietly.
3. Children Change the Game
Once kids enter the picture, many couples turn into co-parents, not partners. The relationship becomes all about survival – school runs, feeding bottles, PTA meetings – and the romance slowly suffocates under the weight of “responsibility.”
So, What Can Be Done?
1. Communicate Beyond Chores
Communication is a lot and should be considered. Don’t just communicate because you have to communicate. Instead, communicate because you want to.
Ask, “How are you really?” not just “Have you paid the NEPA bill?” Create space for honest conversations, even when it’s uncomfortable.
2. Invest in Intimacy
Not just physical intimacy, but emotional closeness. Take a walk. Go on a no-kid date. Cuddle. Laugh. Remember what made you choose each other and talk about them every once in a while. This way, you’re recreating the spark that once connected you.
3. Normalise Counselling
Therapy isn’t for the broken – it’s for the brave. Even a few sessions can help couples reconnect. Let’s remove the shame around seeking help and do it when the need ever arises.
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4. Stop Performing Marriage for the Public
Social media pressure is real, but don’t let the need to “look happy” replace the effort it takes to be happy. It’s okay to pause and work on your relationship in private.
